stricken up

I had a moment yesterday morning. The day before was the forst really hot day in Toulouse this year. 29° by 9PM. It felt good. I always feel better when the weather is too hot for most people. I revive. So I had a good evening, finally feeling that my time had come. As usual, I had a book for the bus trip to Toulouse center. "Cessez d'être gentil, soyez vrai". It's all about how we need to listen to our emotions, our basic needs, and then express them and fulfill them. I'm starting at the start: " listening "in".
Yesterday, I came to work in a positive mood. I had had some clarifications about a colleague who was removed from the team because he didn't do any effort to improve where he was lacking. Which meant I'm was not going to be removed. The weather was warm at 7AM, 20°. Before I entered the bus, I saw a rainbow, and decided it was something beautiful and that I would enjoy it. During the bus ride it started to rain, the light, warm, almost comforting summer rain. And again, I decided that I would enjoy it. Which I did, even when I had to get off the bus. On the bridge that I cross to go to work, I watched the control tower that reminds me why I do the job I do. I gazed at the sky, with the simple happiness of knowing I do the job I want to do. The sky was filled with different layers of clouds, from white to grey, with lots of contrast. Behind me, a heavy uniform sky of grey clouds. Still behind me, on the horizon, there was this unusual light as if the source of the light was the clouds themselves, as if it wasn't quite natural and wasn't artifical either. And in front of me, this perfect skyscape, some white patches on a darker background. And a patch of blue, small enough to be nothing more than an element of a painting, big enough to "be" there. Like a ray of hope. Like the element that told me that my life is mostly cloudy white, often cloudy grey, but that no matter what there is a patch of happiness waiting for the right conditions to show up. That even if work is tough, even if I don't see my important people as much as I want to, even if I'm not even who I want to be, I'm still a happy man and life is good. I allowed myself to bask in this feeling for a few seconds, until my heart swelled with contentment. I could feel mt body tensing up with the emotion and the sensation of tears welling up in my throat. Truly, I was stricken "up".
For once, I also decided that I would cherish this emotion and carry it to work, and use it, and show it, and try to share it. Which meant that I talked with many people, socialized. I also gave my best to help a colleague who felt panicky because she was conducting a meeting on a subject she thinks she doesn't master. I never gave her the empathy she needed, but at least I stopped myself before telling her things that would have comforted me more than her (you know more than you think, it's not that bad, just get over it). It also means I left early for the sake of it, and for the pleasure of buying a new pair of rather well cut linen pants, and a raspberry-coloured linen shirt.

I'm happy with who I am, I'm happy with the road I walk, and sometimes just deciding to see the bright side helps a lot. And sometimes, one needs a lot more or can't even decide to see that side.

Update!!!

The answer was: my brain preferences.
Big on imagination and concepts (yellow), pretty adept at rational thinking (blue) and emotional perception (red). Highly emotional under stress. And I seriously hate planning and organizing stuff (green), including my thoughts. No really, all of that and so much more.

Ce qui explique que je n'écrit que par impulsion, que je ne relis jamais ce que j'écris, que je ne prépare jamais un plan, que je parle de moi et de ce que je ressent. Et si vous ne comprenez pas toujours tout, dites vous que moi non plus.

Un peu d'explications: suite à plusieurs formations liées au développement personnel ces derniers mois, je me suis penché un peu plus sur qui j'étais et qui je suis. Comment je gère mon temps, mon stress, comment je communique, donc comment je pense et percois l'extérieur.

With further readings on such obscure subjects as authentic communication (also rubbishly kown as non violent communication), emotional intelligence and transactional analysis (not yet but soon?), I'm trying to reach a leaner, more honest me. Also a me that knows himself enough to give more place to others. I won't stop till I'm there, which means that I thankfully won't ever really stop.

In other news, I've taken a sudden and passionate interest (my usual me, yellow) in multitouch computer interfaces, with the goal of removing the awkward mouse and keyboard from the user-computer interaction because it's just not natural (red, emotionally driven statement). I've been reading intensively for several weeks on possible technologies, through forums and oters experiments (blue). And I've finally entered the testing phase. Namely, a webcam, a cardboard box, a piece of glass and three sheets of drafting paper. Actually, I'm testing myself to see if the interest will last long enough that I can invest in more material (blue thinking evaluating yellow).

Encore d'autres nouvelles:
multiplication soudaine de gamins parmi vous, j'adore :-D
recherche d'un nouvel appart' sur toulouse plus grand et mieux amménagé, histoire de pouvoir inviter.
Quand la connerie est institutionnelle, le futur sent l'oeuf moisi. Mon client ne sortira rien de bon tant que ses hautes sphères seront politiciennes, financières et centrées sur eux mêmes plutôt que techniques et ouvertes vers ses partenaires et clients.

Une seule conclusion possible:
Life is good.

update soon.

I'm yellow, red when pressed hard, and I don't get greens.
Care to guess?

Do I really have to do everything myself??

I want one: http://store.azfn.com/kingcoat.html
But they don't seem to ship out of the US.

Actually, I'd want a hoodie, with an asymmetric cut, I have the design right here in my head. Can't find it anywhere. Can't find anything approaching anywhere.

Each time I want to dress creatively, I get the same problem. The clothes I'd like don't exist for us males. They're either completely bland or printed with some commercial-cum-rebellious-cum philosophical message, in diagonal, on the shoulder or some other stupid attribute that makes me cringe.

So, for my current obsession, which would serve as a sweater.
Do's:

• basic cloth, or cloth with a technical purpose
  
• colours in the discreet (bland?) range, greys, blacks, natural tones, some oranges, most pastels....
  
• inventive, clean cut <-- that's where the uniqueness should be. asymmetry, peacot style, hoodie, different materials or separate cloth pieces with different fiber orientations, well-placed seams along tension lines...
  

Dont's:

• shiny and most patterned cloth
  
• no fancy trick like prints, "inside out" seams, tags on the outside or passants on the shoulders
• white, primary colours, turquoise, most yellows, greens, all purple and any bright colour that's currently in.
  
• no pockets, they're going to get deformed and they're not going to be big enough anyway.

Yes, I'm a difficult customer. I'm a male who wants to look different from the mass and different from those who want to look different, and my difference shall be "with a purpose".

I'm asking for a sewing machine for Christmas.

In the mood. Movies, Music

Movies, too.
I've seen way more movies than I've read books. it takes less time. Most aren't worthy of anything (Hellboy 2, Tropic Thunder, anyone?).
But some are quite interesting. I kinda liked Quantum of Solace, though it's a bit too close to the Bourne franchise.
Mesrine, a two-films series about the infamous french public enemy. The first movie showed a multi-faceted personality, staying safely away from the prejudices and the romance. Mesrine appears like an extremely violent, ruthless, instinctive man who's at the same time seductive, brilliant, protective. The second film hits the screens next week.

Another one I enjoyed? Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Actually, that's the event that pushed me into posting tonight. God I loved it.
It felt like the visual parallel to some of the books I read. Somewhere close to Bonjour Tristesse and with a twisted link to Le Coup de Grace. In colours and in music. With Scarlet Johansson, Penelope cruz and Javier Bardem.
After Scoop, which felt odd, I'm now reconciled with Woody Allen, I think. Although there are two or three scenes that felt unnatural, but maybe that's intentional. Scoop felt that way the whole time, I don't know for sure.
Yes, I loved it, and I'm probably going to watch it again very soon. Any volunteers to accompany me?

So I left the theater in a wistful mood (hence the title of the previous post, and by derivation, this one). Put my music player on with the super insulating earphones and hunted for some appropriate music. Classical, simple, rhythmic.

(Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, right now) The best I could find was the Bolero. Not spot on for the first minute, but I'm weak to classical music. I just absorb it and wrap myself in it like a soft blanket that has the smell of childhood. Well, I was brought up in the refinements of Telemann (one of his menuet is playing now), Mozart, Haendel and Bach. It's a nice change from Metal, Gothic Metal and Rock.

In the end, I'm just happy to be who I am.

Je suis bien dans ma peau, elle est juste à ma taille.