stricken up

I had a moment yesterday morning. The day before was the forst really hot day in Toulouse this year. 29° by 9PM. It felt good. I always feel better when the weather is too hot for most people. I revive. So I had a good evening, finally feeling that my time had come. As usual, I had a book for the bus trip to Toulouse center. "Cessez d'être gentil, soyez vrai". It's all about how we need to listen to our emotions, our basic needs, and then express them and fulfill them. I'm starting at the start: " listening "in".
Yesterday, I came to work in a positive mood. I had had some clarifications about a colleague who was removed from the team because he didn't do any effort to improve where he was lacking. Which meant I'm was not going to be removed. The weather was warm at 7AM, 20°. Before I entered the bus, I saw a rainbow, and decided it was something beautiful and that I would enjoy it. During the bus ride it started to rain, the light, warm, almost comforting summer rain. And again, I decided that I would enjoy it. Which I did, even when I had to get off the bus. On the bridge that I cross to go to work, I watched the control tower that reminds me why I do the job I do. I gazed at the sky, with the simple happiness of knowing I do the job I want to do. The sky was filled with different layers of clouds, from white to grey, with lots of contrast. Behind me, a heavy uniform sky of grey clouds. Still behind me, on the horizon, there was this unusual light as if the source of the light was the clouds themselves, as if it wasn't quite natural and wasn't artifical either. And in front of me, this perfect skyscape, some white patches on a darker background. And a patch of blue, small enough to be nothing more than an element of a painting, big enough to "be" there. Like a ray of hope. Like the element that told me that my life is mostly cloudy white, often cloudy grey, but that no matter what there is a patch of happiness waiting for the right conditions to show up. That even if work is tough, even if I don't see my important people as much as I want to, even if I'm not even who I want to be, I'm still a happy man and life is good. I allowed myself to bask in this feeling for a few seconds, until my heart swelled with contentment. I could feel mt body tensing up with the emotion and the sensation of tears welling up in my throat. Truly, I was stricken "up".
For once, I also decided that I would cherish this emotion and carry it to work, and use it, and show it, and try to share it. Which meant that I talked with many people, socialized. I also gave my best to help a colleague who felt panicky because she was conducting a meeting on a subject she thinks she doesn't master. I never gave her the empathy she needed, but at least I stopped myself before telling her things that would have comforted me more than her (you know more than you think, it's not that bad, just get over it). It also means I left early for the sake of it, and for the pleasure of buying a new pair of rather well cut linen pants, and a raspberry-coloured linen shirt.

I'm happy with who I am, I'm happy with the road I walk, and sometimes just deciding to see the bright side helps a lot. And sometimes, one needs a lot more or can't even decide to see that side.