winning?

I've been playing squash for 2 or 3 months now, with colleagues, on average once a week. And whatever their level from total beginner to very confirmed, I've never won a single match, not even a single set.
I lost at least 4 matches I had the level to win.

Am I made to lose?

It's not an empty question with a quick "of course not, you're not made to lose, you just have to be a little bit better", and it's not a question asked in despair. It's all psychological and sociological.

I've lost one match with the intent not to win, but I can't say I would have won if I wanted to. I've lost matches because I'm plainly not good enough. And I've lost matches because I hate the pressure that comes with competition. I litteraly buckle under the lightest stress. And when my adversary takes the advantage by even 2 points, I'll just let the match go, lose 5 or 6 points straight, not even returning a service. Because after that, I'm not in a position to win anymore and I can enjoy myself once again with no objective.
But I hate losing too, especially to people worse than me or total beginners. I'm a sore loser.

There's one case where winning will be easy, if I'm playing against someone who's totally inept, and won't show any resistance. Not a match really.

I've seen that again this past thursday. Me along with 27 other people from my company went for a go-kart competition. 14 teams of 2 racers. The sport is interesting, the go-karts handle like go-karts are supposed to. Fast, but unforgiving. With no pressure, I'm acceptably slow; with pressure, I'm quite faster, until a late braking sends me in a spin. I hated the racing part of it, I'm slower than pretty much anyone, so not much competition or fun there. But the driving part of it is great! Go-karts tend to go sideways a lot, but "it's slow, so you shouldn't". Yeah right. It's fun! and that's the whole point of it! Winning or losing is for winners. I've paid almost 45 euros for 24 minutes of driving plus a meal. And I want to go sideways. Period.

Winning is telling someone else "I'm better than you", or even "Maybe you were better, but that changed". I'll have to have a very strong link with anyone to allow myself that freedom.

Or is this all just an excuse for losing with a heart?