Feb, 9th and 10th.

Yesterday's and today's wallpaper at the office.

I've started an experiment to change my desktop wallpaper at the office every day, since the first week of January. Today was the first day on which I didn't change it. My brain wasn't firing on all cylinders.

I'll try to post most of them here. With a bit of hope, it's going to give me more incentive to write.

Feb, 8th.

Today's wallpaper at the office.

Plisse les yeux ou gonfle les joues.

Plus d'un an après avoir envisagé d'apprendre la Langue des Signes Française, je m'y suis mis.

Tous les lundi, de cette semaine à fin mai sauf pendant les vacances scolaires. 2h15.Au total 60h de cours. Nous sommes 13 grands débutants, de 18 ou 20 ans jusqu'à probablement 50-55 ans, avec une proportion féminine intéressante.

13 personnes assises sur des chaises en demi cercle autour du tableau, attendant que le formateur arrive. Quelques unes papotent, alors que les autres gèrent l'anxiété du premier cours. Le formateur arrive, écrit son nom sur le tableau, en petit et n'importe ou. Puis il se retourne, nous invite par gestes à se positionner en cercle, et commence des assouplissements des mains, en nous invitant à l'imiter toujours par gestes. Premières difficultés pour "lire" ses mains et reproduire les séquences de gestes. On sent tout le monde concentré, et on n'entend encore rien. Quelques exercices d'assouplissement du visage aussi, et on se rassoit. Martin écrit les premiers mots au tableau et les mime. Ordinateur, téléphone portable, téléphone fixe, fax, internet. J'aime beaucoup internet, le geste symbolise très bien les connexions qui débutent d'un point de la terre pour aboutir de l'autre coté.
Puis une présentation de comment appeler un sourd. Eteindre puis rallumer rapidement la lumière, taper par terre ou sur la table en utilisant les vibrations transmises, lui taper doucement sur l'épaule, ou lui envoyer une petite boulette de papier. On rigole un bon coup quand il fait non de la tête en faisant semblant d'envoyer un tabouret à travers la pièce. A part ça on entend toujours rien. L'exercice suivant, très interactif nous permet d'apprendre de nouveaux mots, cravate, chemise, pantalon, jupe et minijupe, chaussettes, bottes, chapeau, bonnet, robe.
Puis, au bout d'une heure, Martin nous propose un break (geste facile à comprendre, il suffit de mimer qu'on casse (break pour les anglais) une brindille). Un grand bol d'air et on observe une discussion enflammée entre notre formateur et un autre sourd. Il y a encore du chemin!! En tout cas, on en profite pour faire un peu connaissance, papoter un peu plus, et organiser un covoiturage pour retourner sur le centre de Toulouse, inaccessible à ces heures là depuis le lieu de formation.
Au retour, de nouveaux gestes liés à l'école, école, classeur, gomme, règle, cahier et probablement d'autres qu'il faudra que je révise d'ici lundi prochain. Puis un travail sur la taille. Chaque objet ayant un geste associé, sa taille est donnée par l'expression du visage. Plisse les yeux si c'est petit, gonfle les joues si c'est gros. Si c'est vraiment gros, gonfle vraiment les joues. Je trouve ça tellement sain d'utiliser son visage de façon officielle pour communiquer que j'y prends un grand plaisir. Certains ont plus de retenue que moi, ou un visage moins élastique. Encore plusieurs autres exercices pour faire travailler son imagination (une grosse sphère n'a pas du tout le même geste qu'une sphère de la taille d'un pamplemousse ou qu'une de la taille d'une balle de golf. Après tout, comme on est là pour mimer, on peut même mimer les objets à taille réelle. Pasque le mot pamplemousse est peut être plus grand qu'orange, mais entre pastèque et cochonnet... Et on n'entend toujours rien.

Vient la fin du court, on s'auto congratule un petit peu en signant "bravo" et on se quitte après quelques recommandations sur la politesse avec les sourds (pas la peine de demander pardon pour dépasser, par contre taper sur l'épaule peut aider, par exemple). Et Martin ne réagit pas quand on le remercie à haute voix. Normal, il est réellement sourd-muet.

vivement lundi prochain!

Change of colour. Picture gone.

Yeah, black is nice, but now is the right time for a change of mood. And my photo's gone. Damn Photobucket. Gotta find a new pic. And store it intelligently.

Un très bon moment

Moi, et monsieur bébé. J'aurais des photos avec mademoiselle fillette sa soeur, sauf qu'il me faut au moins mes deux mains pour jouer avec elle, et que je ne sais toujours pas manipuler mon téléphone avec la langue.

Je note que l'autoportrait sur un téléphone à écran tactile est une science approximative. Je ne trouve le bouton qu'une fois sur trois, et le cadrage est instinctif. Et malgré tout, j'ai capturé ce moment ci:

Some more news!

More than a month since the last update. This might actually be my sweet spot, from 4 to 6 weeks. At least, it feels about right. I don't really have that much to report in fact. Work's going OK, not-work is going OK too. We had family in Toulouse this week end, which was nice. A couple of restaurants and two afternoons at the park watching kids exercise on the playground. It actually got me thinking.

See, this playground is divided in two areas, one for really young ones, and one for older ones, from 4 to 10 or so. the main things it teaches kids is risk and responsibilities. Platforms are way more than 2 meters in the air, there are no panels to protect anyone from falling, just a few bars. The bridge between those platforms is high enough that an adult can walk beneath it with its arms raised without touching it, and it's made of steel bars spaced far enough to fall through it. A cash cow for any proper lawyer in the US. How did it look in France? Kids were playing in groups, climbing and descending, crossing bridges, jumping up and down everywhere while the parents were busy chatting on the benches around with nary an eye on their offspring. We watched for 2 or 3 hours, and the worst thing that happened actually happened on the ground when a child tripped and fell on the grass. We're not doomed as a society when parents let their children try and fail and fall, and when those children try and learn what they're capable of and what they're not. Let's see how much longer this'll last before kids are told to wear helmets when going on a walk.

And in the other good news, I've taken an extended week end to go to Paris. Two more days at work, then a 5-days week end. I'll be spending 4 nights there in a cheapo hotel, with a shared bathroom and probably shared toilets too. But it's got free wifi, and it's quite close to Republique and my favourite brunch spot. That plus the shopping spree I'm anticipating, and the friends I'll see. It's gonna be awesome!!

I shall set you free.

iPhone is jailbroken.

I lost my iPod some time ago. Plus it was an old generation. Colour, video (never used that, mind you), but no touchscreen, no wifi/3G. And lower than an antique Creative on the coolness scale. So I bought meself a 32GB 3GS, in black. Received it today round noon. It's got video, and a frigging compass. And copy-paste. Oh by the way, that manipulation is awkward.
I've already downloaded a huge number of free stuff, and removed most of it. I've kept Doom (after jaibreaking it), EveryTrail, the public transport timetables and TV. I'll probably never play Doom, but it's still cooler than the iSaber or the PhoneFart. And it's not on the Appstore!!
The only current PITA is the whole Linux and Apple do NOT talk to each other situation. Which means, I've got to switch to Vista to run iTunes.
I'm now looking for some more software: a remote control for VLC and Rhythmbox (and the PS3), a good ebook reader that accepts open formats and comics, and a spreadsheet tool. All of those free. And a Willi Waller 2006 Simulator.

It also means I'm hard to reach on my cellphone until August 17th. Having switched provider (Byebye red, Hello turquoise, blue and orange), my number is being "portabilitated" until then and so I have a temporary number.

Classical music

Always going back to it, no matter what, it's always there.
Vivaldi's Summer Allegro, Bach's Suites for Cello, Beethoven's Pastoral, Greensleeves... Even a touch of Ravel or some Renaissance or Medieval compositions.
Either a heresy or a tribute, Metallica's Symphonic & Metallic, transcended through a classical orchestral formation.

stricken up

I had a moment yesterday morning. The day before was the forst really hot day in Toulouse this year. 29° by 9PM. It felt good. I always feel better when the weather is too hot for most people. I revive. So I had a good evening, finally feeling that my time had come. As usual, I had a book for the bus trip to Toulouse center. "Cessez d'être gentil, soyez vrai". It's all about how we need to listen to our emotions, our basic needs, and then express them and fulfill them. I'm starting at the start: " listening "in".
Yesterday, I came to work in a positive mood. I had had some clarifications about a colleague who was removed from the team because he didn't do any effort to improve where he was lacking. Which meant I'm was not going to be removed. The weather was warm at 7AM, 20°. Before I entered the bus, I saw a rainbow, and decided it was something beautiful and that I would enjoy it. During the bus ride it started to rain, the light, warm, almost comforting summer rain. And again, I decided that I would enjoy it. Which I did, even when I had to get off the bus. On the bridge that I cross to go to work, I watched the control tower that reminds me why I do the job I do. I gazed at the sky, with the simple happiness of knowing I do the job I want to do. The sky was filled with different layers of clouds, from white to grey, with lots of contrast. Behind me, a heavy uniform sky of grey clouds. Still behind me, on the horizon, there was this unusual light as if the source of the light was the clouds themselves, as if it wasn't quite natural and wasn't artifical either. And in front of me, this perfect skyscape, some white patches on a darker background. And a patch of blue, small enough to be nothing more than an element of a painting, big enough to "be" there. Like a ray of hope. Like the element that told me that my life is mostly cloudy white, often cloudy grey, but that no matter what there is a patch of happiness waiting for the right conditions to show up. That even if work is tough, even if I don't see my important people as much as I want to, even if I'm not even who I want to be, I'm still a happy man and life is good. I allowed myself to bask in this feeling for a few seconds, until my heart swelled with contentment. I could feel mt body tensing up with the emotion and the sensation of tears welling up in my throat. Truly, I was stricken "up".
For once, I also decided that I would cherish this emotion and carry it to work, and use it, and show it, and try to share it. Which meant that I talked with many people, socialized. I also gave my best to help a colleague who felt panicky because she was conducting a meeting on a subject she thinks she doesn't master. I never gave her the empathy she needed, but at least I stopped myself before telling her things that would have comforted me more than her (you know more than you think, it's not that bad, just get over it). It also means I left early for the sake of it, and for the pleasure of buying a new pair of rather well cut linen pants, and a raspberry-coloured linen shirt.

I'm happy with who I am, I'm happy with the road I walk, and sometimes just deciding to see the bright side helps a lot. And sometimes, one needs a lot more or can't even decide to see that side.

Update!!!

The answer was: my brain preferences.
Big on imagination and concepts (yellow), pretty adept at rational thinking (blue) and emotional perception (red). Highly emotional under stress. And I seriously hate planning and organizing stuff (green), including my thoughts. No really, all of that and so much more.

Ce qui explique que je n'écrit que par impulsion, que je ne relis jamais ce que j'écris, que je ne prépare jamais un plan, que je parle de moi et de ce que je ressent. Et si vous ne comprenez pas toujours tout, dites vous que moi non plus.

Un peu d'explications: suite à plusieurs formations liées au développement personnel ces derniers mois, je me suis penché un peu plus sur qui j'étais et qui je suis. Comment je gère mon temps, mon stress, comment je communique, donc comment je pense et percois l'extérieur.

With further readings on such obscure subjects as authentic communication (also rubbishly kown as non violent communication), emotional intelligence and transactional analysis (not yet but soon?), I'm trying to reach a leaner, more honest me. Also a me that knows himself enough to give more place to others. I won't stop till I'm there, which means that I thankfully won't ever really stop.

In other news, I've taken a sudden and passionate interest (my usual me, yellow) in multitouch computer interfaces, with the goal of removing the awkward mouse and keyboard from the user-computer interaction because it's just not natural (red, emotionally driven statement). I've been reading intensively for several weeks on possible technologies, through forums and oters experiments (blue). And I've finally entered the testing phase. Namely, a webcam, a cardboard box, a piece of glass and three sheets of drafting paper. Actually, I'm testing myself to see if the interest will last long enough that I can invest in more material (blue thinking evaluating yellow).

Encore d'autres nouvelles:
multiplication soudaine de gamins parmi vous, j'adore :-D
recherche d'un nouvel appart' sur toulouse plus grand et mieux amménagé, histoire de pouvoir inviter.
Quand la connerie est institutionnelle, le futur sent l'oeuf moisi. Mon client ne sortira rien de bon tant que ses hautes sphères seront politiciennes, financières et centrées sur eux mêmes plutôt que techniques et ouvertes vers ses partenaires et clients.

Une seule conclusion possible:
Life is good.

update soon.

I'm yellow, red when pressed hard, and I don't get greens.
Care to guess?

Do I really have to do everything myself??

I want one: http://store.azfn.com/kingcoat.html
But they don't seem to ship out of the US.

Actually, I'd want a hoodie, with an asymmetric cut, I have the design right here in my head. Can't find it anywhere. Can't find anything approaching anywhere.

Each time I want to dress creatively, I get the same problem. The clothes I'd like don't exist for us males. They're either completely bland or printed with some commercial-cum-rebellious-cum philosophical message, in diagonal, on the shoulder or some other stupid attribute that makes me cringe.

So, for my current obsession, which would serve as a sweater.
Do's:

• basic cloth, or cloth with a technical purpose
  
• colours in the discreet (bland?) range, greys, blacks, natural tones, some oranges, most pastels....
  
• inventive, clean cut <-- that's where the uniqueness should be. asymmetry, peacot style, hoodie, different materials or separate cloth pieces with different fiber orientations, well-placed seams along tension lines...
  

Dont's:

• shiny and most patterned cloth
  
• no fancy trick like prints, "inside out" seams, tags on the outside or passants on the shoulders
• white, primary colours, turquoise, most yellows, greens, all purple and any bright colour that's currently in.
  
• no pockets, they're going to get deformed and they're not going to be big enough anyway.

Yes, I'm a difficult customer. I'm a male who wants to look different from the mass and different from those who want to look different, and my difference shall be "with a purpose".

I'm asking for a sewing machine for Christmas.

In the mood. Movies, Music

Movies, too.
I've seen way more movies than I've read books. it takes less time. Most aren't worthy of anything (Hellboy 2, Tropic Thunder, anyone?).
But some are quite interesting. I kinda liked Quantum of Solace, though it's a bit too close to the Bourne franchise.
Mesrine, a two-films series about the infamous french public enemy. The first movie showed a multi-faceted personality, staying safely away from the prejudices and the romance. Mesrine appears like an extremely violent, ruthless, instinctive man who's at the same time seductive, brilliant, protective. The second film hits the screens next week.

Another one I enjoyed? Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Actually, that's the event that pushed me into posting tonight. God I loved it.
It felt like the visual parallel to some of the books I read. Somewhere close to Bonjour Tristesse and with a twisted link to Le Coup de Grace. In colours and in music. With Scarlet Johansson, Penelope cruz and Javier Bardem.
After Scoop, which felt odd, I'm now reconciled with Woody Allen, I think. Although there are two or three scenes that felt unnatural, but maybe that's intentional. Scoop felt that way the whole time, I don't know for sure.
Yes, I loved it, and I'm probably going to watch it again very soon. Any volunteers to accompany me?

So I left the theater in a wistful mood (hence the title of the previous post, and by derivation, this one). Put my music player on with the super insulating earphones and hunted for some appropriate music. Classical, simple, rhythmic.

(Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, right now) The best I could find was the Bolero. Not spot on for the first minute, but I'm weak to classical music. I just absorb it and wrap myself in it like a soft blanket that has the smell of childhood. Well, I was brought up in the refinements of Telemann (one of his menuet is playing now), Mozart, Haendel and Bach. It's a nice change from Metal, Gothic Metal and Rock.

In the end, I'm just happy to be who I am.

Je suis bien dans ma peau, elle est juste à ma taille.

In the mood. Work, Books

Not gonna talk about work, not gonna...
Ok, a little.
The office was officially closed today, officiously open for those who didn't have anything better to do. So I went. I had better to do, but heck, one work day with no colleagues, no phone calls, no mail, no interruption. Too precious to lose. I'll cancel my RTT on Wednesday so I can take it another time.
I ain't workin for free. 7:45AM to 6:50PM, good day, productive, calm. Enjoyable.
And no "I'm-not-a-retard-because-I-have-an-engineering-degree-but-I-sure-look-like-a-slow-guy" colleague 'm supposed to train. Sweet!

I've spent the last months reading, having two books in my bag, either because I forgot to remove the one I just finished or because I already had chosen the next one and kept it ready in case I finished the current one during the bus ride.
In no specific order:
Brisingr by Christopher Paolini,
World Without End by Ken Follet
Galactic Pot-Healer by Philip K Dick
Red Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson
La Joueuse d'Echecs de Bertina Henrichs
La Petite Fille de Monsieur Linh de Philippe Claudel
Riverdream by George R.R. Martin
The Coroner's Lunch by Colin Cotterill
Ever Since Darwin by S. J. Gould
Bonjour Tristesse by Françoise Sagan
La Fin des Temps par Barjavel
labyrinth by Kate Mosse
Le Coup de Grace par Marguerite Yourcenar

I'm currently in Ulysse From Bagdad by Eric Emmanuel Schmitt. It moves me, like many of the previous ones did.
I've started and erased half a dozen sentences already. It's quite hard to comment on this book. A work of fiction. the story of a young bright man named Saad Saad, in Iraq, during the current conflict. Fiction, right. His family decimated by suicide bombers, scared foreign soldiers, more bombs, sickness. The only fiction here is the names and the specific sequence of events, but it feels too close to home to feel like fiction. As those many previous ones I've recently finished, I'll not be quite the same after this one. Still me, not different, but not quite the same.
And I've got probably ten more books lying around when I'm done. All the way from a pair of kids books (even an illustrated story for a future three-year-old child) to more science-fiction, Victor Hugo, Descartes and a possible treasure in the form of an erotic novel by a syrian poetess. How exquisite.

I've always loved to read, and spending more than one hour every day waiting for or riding a bus has given me plenty of time to return to this favourite pasttime of mine.

angsty teen syndrome

so many things to say, so many things to do, so little energy, so much alcohol in my veins...
May write tomorrow.

tom

quick update

I'm going to see the surgeon tomorrow for my knee problem.
He's the colleague of the surgeon I wanted to see. I (don't) know this surgeon (not the one I'm seeing, his colleague) through a friend of him whose daughter lives with a guy who is the son of a friend of my mother. And I'm not making this up.
Yup, that's what I call connections.

And I'm working my ass off at work. 7:10AM to 6PM, as many days per week as I can. And I'm still late in my tasks. But I enjoy it, unexpectedly. I almost took the laptop from work to keep at it a bit, but a colleague took it to watch dvds this week end and didn't bring it back.

Apart from that? I'm quite content with my life, which is nice.

suis malade

(a prononcer avec une voix caverneuse).

Gorge prise, nez pris, cerveau embrumé. Je suis même persuadé avoir un peu de fièvre. Sinon je vais bien.

les onigiris avec une tomate séchée sont top. Et les sucrés avec une cerise confite et des raisins secs et des abricots secs sont sympa aussi. Mais c'est difficile de faire un mélange homogène avec les raisins et le riz, et du coup ils se démontent en les mangeant.

thé au caramel brulant avec du miel, et au lit. Bonne nuit les gens.

Onigiris

Photo stolen from the internet. You remember my camera's is empty, right?

Yes, I have bought a rice cooker, finally. 30 euros, who doesn't have one? You have 30 minutes to buy one and come back. Now.

Onigiris. I had always thought it would be a great idea to cook my own and bring them to work for the lunch break. Slightly out of the ordinary and totally japanese. They seemed completely idiotic to make, except maybe for the moulding into the right triangular shape.
So last saturday, I went to Darty, looked at the cheapest models and bought the second cheapest then came back home. Then I went out again to the local asian supermarked, skipped the 50kgs bags of rice and bought nori sheets, sesame, multiple cans of fruit juice (don't try drinking aloe vera juice, trust me), sushi vinegar and sushi sauce and came back home. Then went out yet again to the local supermarket for plain-but-not-long-grain rice and came back home with a reasonable quantity of riz camarguais.

The first experiment was a success, even the moulding is easy. I really should have tried sooner. But as I expected, it doesn't taste much. Sesame grings color but little more and nori isn't enough. The japanese usually put something inside the rice ball that adds flavour, umeboshi and salmon usually. I will need to experiment a little around those possibilities. Seasoned salt was something readily accessible in my depleted cupboards that I will use again.
And I don't need much to feel completely full.

One other idea I'm toying with is to try to sweet route.
Mix dried apricots cut in small cubes in the rice before leaving it to cool.
Rub sugar instead of salt on palms before picking up the rice.
Use some candied fruit as a filling
Wrap ???? around the rice ball to ease the handling.

I just need to find the ???? and try. Anyone has ideas?

Christmas - Go

No message in 3 months. That has to be a record.

So Christmas came and went. Birthday came and went. New Year's Eve...
I'd love to post a few pics, but the camera I bought 15months ago and lost 14months a half ago has dead batteries. Yes I found it back, on January 3rd when looking for my office badge.
The pics I'd love to post are:

• A Go board, Go stones and Go stones bowls. 5.5cm thick board, glass stones and woven bowls. I'm not too happy about the bowls, but hey it's a 5.5cm board! I never dreamt on having that. That model. Unfortunately, I haven't had time to pick it up at the post office yet.
• Another Go board and go stones, with the tweezers and the carrying box. Yeah, that board is maybe 8cm wide and 8cm long. The stones are black and white beads. Tweezers needed. All handmade by mom and dad. My favourite gift this year by far, and the parents apparently loved making it, with the rules. Even the wrapping was typically japanese, a cloth piece intelligently knotted around the box.

Now I'm fucking mad

Today was supposed to a tough long enjoyable day.
Much work to do in the morning at work.
Participation to a recruitment forum organised by my company in the afternoon.
Internal meeting of interested members of my Business Unit to present current activities in the afternoon.
8:10AM to 9PM, long. Tough. But enjoyable.

It turned out quite the opposite.
Arrived later than planned due to traffic jams in the center.
When the hip cool guys from work arrived (that includes miss A), I suddenly became the center of their interest, not for the best. Told them to shut it, got told that "I have no humour". Rinse and repeat at various points of the morning.
Afternoon was not up to my expectations, tricky questions from candidates on points that bore me to death (hierarchic evolution, forced mobility, yada yada). Got freed early so went back to work to get stuff done. Computer locked by boss for upgrade, and same poetry from the group. Much laughter about how today was "my day".
Evening meeting was ok, but I had turned sour by then. Which means that the meeting felt useless, too long, and Mr Cool spent it blabbering with Miss Cool in the background. Can you feel jealousy?

So now I'm boiling with anger. I'm not one of the cool ones. I'll never be. And I despise Mr Cool for being able to be Mr Cool with no fucking reason whatsoever. And I despise the Cool girls for choosing him and not choosing me. I despise myself for caring about it so much and for caring about "her" so much. This is driving me insane.

I'm supposed to be at work in less than 10 hours. I'm never going to sleep tonight. Too much anger, too much stress, hopelessness.

Why do I care so much?